„It´s not Swedish to quit your job without having another one lined up“, my doctor informed me. „But so many people would be better off if they did“, he added. „But they won´t. They don´t have the courage. Their health will continue to suffer and they´ll go under“, he said. I answered „well... I´m not Swedish". "And I don´t agree with you, because I´m definitely not the only one at my school that has quit without having another job to go to" I continued. I hope he is wrong and that those people he´s talking about will find a way to quit their job or increase their job satisfaction. I can fully understand that not everybody can quit a job that is negatively affecting their health and they shouldn´t have to. What should take place is constructive and healthy communication and cooperation between the employee and their superior, where they work together to find a solution.
Having a job is important. It fulfills many of our basic needs. I will write a blog about that later. But if you feel repeatedly humiliated, ignored, underappreciated, overlooked, lied to, powerless, treated badly and held down, you should get out. If you constantly feel like you are in the wrong place and you have no hope of personal or professional growth, you should walk away. And if your job makes you feel dead inside or so mentally drained that you don´t just feel empty, but like a blackhole, like you´ve been drained of all joy to the extent that you are inside out, you should run. And if you just want it to be quiet when you come home because all you feel like doing is staring at the wall hoping for a new day, because you have nothing left for this one, you should quit your job and run for your life. Consequences be damned.
Oh my god! What is her job, you might wonder. Yes, what is this horrible job, that made me so incredibly miserable? I´ll tell you. I´m a teacher. Bam. I´ll leave you with that one for a while.
It´s not the kids. I love the kids. They are my upside at work. Yes, they can test your patience and I don´t especially love cleaning drawings of penises and homophobic slurs off the walls, or fishing out someone’s cut-off hair from a flowerpot (you wouldn´t believe the things they do sometimes). Or deal with situations when they are horrible to each other. I don´t want to raise them, I´m not their mom. I want to teach them. Believe in them. Help them believe in them self’s and inspire them to learn and grow. They are my meaningful conversations. My beautiful smiles and hugs in the morning, during recess and on my way home. They make me feel like a rock star with all their love and appreciation. What other job offers that? Besides actually being a rock star? I´m going to miss that. In fact, I miss them already.
It´s the other crap that is sucking the soul out of me. The endless negativity. Being lied to. Promised certain tasks and then being stuck in a role that does not match my competence or potential at all. Wanting to do so much, contribute by using all my best skills, my knowledge and years of experience and not getting that chance. Being moved around like a powerless chess piece, having nothing to say about it. Terrible work environment where people don´t trust each other, talk behind each other’s backs, behave unprofessionally at times and set bad examples for the kids. Lack of respect and cooperation. Where they place people without education in teacher positions and highly educated people in positions that don´t require much education at all. It slowly breaks your spirit. It´s unfair and destructive. People are quitting left and right. It´s a toxic environment. If I should describe my place of work, I would describe it as a floating, unstable and unpredictable, mental hospital. A sinking ship, with hundreds of precious children aboard. Ok, maybe a tad dramatic, but that is how I feel.
I had a lot of wonderful colleges. I liked everybody. I even liked my principals who I felt treated me badly. I baked and ate cake with them before I quit. I wish them nothing but the best. I suspect they are doing the best they can with their limited time and resources. My doctor wanted me to report the school. Maybe I should have done that because something has to change, but I didn´t want to spend any more of my precious energy on that school. It is not in my nature to harbor bad feelings. I just want to move on.
A lot of good people work at that school. But as an organization it is badly run. And when people are overworked in unstable and toxic work conditions, it brings out the worst in them. They become negative. Sarcastic, tired, mad, sad and disappointed. They lose hope and motivation. They lose their flexibility and change, like new policy or school development, becomes this one-more-thing-they-have-to-do and don´t have the time or energy for. They can even loose themselves. Ultimately, the quality of education and the students psychosocial environment suffers. If the teachers are miserable at their jobs, it affects the students. Just as if the parents are miserable, it affects their children. I wish I had quit sooner. Not just for my health, but for my children. And my husband. I would rather sell my kidneys than go back there. Not both of them. But, you know. At least one. I´m sorry, but that´s the truth.
You can absolutely decide that I must be the problem. If it helps you to think that, you are welcome to do so. You are welcome to think that this is over the top or inappropriate and that it can´t be that bad. Yes, I have had trauma in my life, but who hasn´t? Maybe negativity affects me more than others because of that. Maybe depressing and rundown facilities with rats and endless amounts of cobweb and spiders hanging from the ceiling, affects me more than others. Maybe I have more need for respect, supportive environment, quality teamwork and positive communication that others. Maybe I´m just sick of being treated badly. Maybe I´ve just taken enough abuse and disrespect for a lifetime. Maybe it´s all just me. Maybe I am the problem.
Except for the fact that over 20 other people have quit as well in this school year alone, including one of the principals that had just started. We had a special education teacher that quit after just one day. She currently holds the record. We had one psychologist that stayed under a year and the next one stayed 2 or 3 months. I know a teacher that worked there that ended up hiring a lawyer. I won´t go into details but she won the case. And by coincident my doctor was the school doctor there at some point in his carrier. I hardly had to explain anything to him. When I told him where I worked, he said „I know how run down that school is, I know the extent of their problems and what a bad work environment it is. It´s destructive. You were right to quit “. It´s not just me. We all have the need to utilize our talents, experience meaning and feel appreciated. We all have the need to feel safe, supported and respected. And nobody likes rats, spiders or racial and homophobic slurs written all over their workplace, inside and out, attacking your eyes and inner values everywhere you go. And the windows. I forgot to mention the windows. So many broken and boarded up windows. It´s really depressing.
I’ve seen many people start to work there with a big smile on their face and a couple of weeks later walk around like soulless zombies. Seriously. I´ve even caught myself thinking sarcastically when one women started working there: “you won´t be smiling in a few days”. And I was right. In a couple of weeks, she had stopped smiling and lost the spring in her step. I know how she felt. Because I felt the same. I know people that have become deeply depressed from working there and sought professional help as a result. I know people that have gone from having high energy to no energy. I know people that hoped they would get Covid so they could stay at home. One bubbly co-worker ended up a nervous trembling wreck in a record amount of time. Her whole body literally trembled her last weeks. She worked so hard and did her best but was put in a position with way too much responsibility which she was not equipped for, without any support. Thankfully she quit after just three months. Many of my co-workers don´t do or plan anything on their weekends or holidays other than sleep. Do you know what would be so interesting? Taking before and after pictures of people there. You know like before and after pictures of people that start doing crack cocaine. Some look like they have aged years in a short amount of time. I know I have. Ok that might be too much. But I have thought about it.
After I handed in my letter of resignation my colleges responses were anything from a happy „congratulations! “, to an understanding „you don´t have to explain“, to an envious "I´m so jealous, I wish it was me", and one desperate brown eyed „take me with you!“. That says it all.
Working there is an experience I would never want to be without. It was both unforgettable and unbelievable. I saw, experienced, and learned so much. It was a culture shock. I would never have believed a Swedish school could be like that. I would never have believed there could be such an enormous difference between communities or even between schools within the same community. I always thought of Sweden as having good schools, and as having equal opportunities for all children. But where I live and where I work feel like two different worlds. This blog represents my feelings, thoughts and how I experienced working there. Other people may experience it in a totally different way and disagree with me wholeheartedly. I hope they do. Those people are welcome to write their own blog about their experience, but I hope they respect that this is mine. Personally, I don´t feel that the children in my school have the same opportunities as many other children in Sweden do. They deserve so much better. All children deserve to have their needs met in school so they can pursue the future they want. Maybe it´s just as bad in some other schools here as well? I certainly hope not.
I believe equality is possible and that my colleagues work environment can be improved. Let´s make it happen!