What the hell is she talking about, you might be wondering. You might even feel annoyed. Or mad. How could grief have an upside? Well, you don´t really feel like it has one, after losing someone you love. Except for the fact that exactly there, in between those words, lies the upside. Hiding in plain sight. Before grief, there must be love. Without love, grief can´t exist. And love is good. Not everyone has love in their life. I had the best little brother for 26 years. We shared a beautiful bond that will stay with me forever. That´s the upside.
Grief tears you open and leaves you without hope and purpose. It leaves you totally lost and so incredibly sad. You feel like the whole world should stop. But it doesn´t. Whose stupid birds just keep on singing. People go to work and kids go to school. And it bothers you. Because the world as you know it is gone and will never be the same. But then you start doing it too. You get up, you make coffee, you go for a walk, put one foot in front of the other. You take care of your children and you go to work. You do it one minute at a time. One day at a time. You learn what you are made of. That´s the upside.
You learn how amazingly strong your parents are. You learn that you can survive anything. There is nothing worse that losing a child. Seeing my parents survive that is... I don´t know the word for that. There is no word that captures the meaning of that. I know they have a hole in their heart the size of my brother, but they keep going. And they don´t just keep going. They try to thrive and have happy moments. They put on a brave face. Make healthy choices. They are resilient and strong. Life will never be the same, but it can still be good. They show me that every day. You learn that. That´s the upside.
Grief gives you a new perspective. You start living more purposefully. You realize you don´t have all the time in the world. You want to do something? Do it now. If you don´t, then when? Don´t waste time wondering what other people might think. Their opinion doesn´t matter. Do whatever makes you happy as long as it doesn´t harm others in the process. And if you don´t want to do something, don´t. I'm not saying you should stop doing your taxes, washing your hair or taking out the trash. I mean like, don´t say you will do something if you don´t really want to do it. Have the courage to change things in your life that need changing. Losing my brother has done that for me. Many times, it has given me the courage to make difficult but good decisions. That´s the upside.
Life is precious. It´s meant to be lived doing what you love, using your talents, reaching your full potential, inspiring others, being brave, kind and thankful. My brothers life being cut short makes me see the importance of that, even more clearly than before. That´s the upside.
And you know all those scary moments? Like when you decide to go back to college and study some more in a totally new field or speak at a conference in front of a lot of people. Or when you decide to move to another country leaving everything you know behind, and start a new job speaking in a new language. When you publish your poetry or share something you write with another human being, who might or might not give a crap about what you have to say. Or when your comfort zone is so far away that you can´t even see it anymore? Losing my brother has helped me face all those things. Before doing anything scary I always think "at least I´m not burying my brother today" and I know I´ll get through it. Any day is better than those first horrible days after he died. And any task is easier that the tasks we had to face those days. That´s the upside.
After my brother died, I made him a promise. I promised I would enjoy life for the both of us. And I intend to keep that promise. I will make sure that my life is a life well lived. That´s the upside.
I´d trade all of those upsides in a heartbeat if I could get him back. But I can´t. So, I´ll take the upsides.
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